What I Learned on My First Job

As soon as I let go of my desperation, I got what I wanted handed to me. 

I've been obsessively looking for work as a choreographic assistant for a while, but nothing had worked out yet. My husband and I decided to leave the small town we were living in and move to Frankfurt. The energy seems to be working more in my favour, because I have been blessed with many teaching opportunities since moving here, as well as my very first assisting job! 

The choreographers, whom I have known and worked with for many years, managed to get enough funding for a production to hire an assistant, with the rehearsals and premiere in Frankfurt. Coincidence? We had always worked well together as dancers and choreographers, but being a rehearsal assistant is a completely different story.  It has been a rewarding and eye-opening experience and I am so grateful to have finally gotten my first taste of this position. 

Z Zentrum, Frankfurt

It's my current life's mission to understand how I can support each and every person that I work with, which can be challenging especially in these changing times. After many years of working in this industry, I've come to realise how damaged our belief system in the arts is. This is probably a topic for a seperate blog post, but the majority of dancers and dance-makers I know have accepted a kind of story about how they should be treated, how they should behave and how their lives should be. We accept this as a sadistic and somewhat holy truth, and continue to pass this down to the next generations. 

This experience really forced me to question my own way of working and thinking. It made me realise how much of a bubble I was trapped in thus far, how that has affected the way I treat and judge people and how it informs my ideas of good and bad. I've also noticed some things about myself and my own character traits which has led me down a path of deep self-reflection. 

I've always had a strong desire to lead, even though I lacked the confidence especially in my professional training and the first few years of my career. I have slowly built up that confidence again, enough to be able to lead people through a dance class. However, to be the person in the middle is a little bit more complicated. I noticed that I would have the tendency to try to run the rehearsal, and try to control everything. It took some practice and patience on my part to step back and allow the choreographers to run their show. I had to stop myself and question if my intention was to control or to support.

I learned that a good assistant is able to observe and react to the energy in the room. There were days where things would run smoothly, the choreographers were inspired and the ideas would just flow. This was my time to sit back and enjoy the creative energy happening in the studio. But there were also days where things were a little heavier and we all felt a bit stuck. This was when I could use the opportunity to give creative impulses, help with brainstorming tasks or just try to cheer them on. I know now that it will be important to have a toolbox of things for each situation, and I need to start finding those tools and to be quick to find out what is required at any given moment.  

I am a big believer in open and honest communication. I love getting feedback because it's the best way to learn, and not to get stuck in just my own limited view of the world. I got to thinking about the difference between feedback and judgement. In my life so far, I've been told that there is a right way and a wrong way, and that things were either good or bad. I've been programmed to give feedback on what I believe to be true based on my own perception of reality. But what is true? What is right? What is good?

When I have to teach someone how to dance, it's important to pass on knowledge and information to them. But what does one do when it's not the information that's lacking? 

We were lucky to have a great dramaturg on our team, and what I realised was that she would give her opinion on some things, but most of the time she would ask questions. What made something important? What inspired a certain action or decision? Why was something done in a specific way? Questions!  Would this also work for a choreographic assistant? Is it less about the biased critique and more about giving the artist the possibility to question his own work and to inspire curiosity? I don't have a solution to this problem yet, but I hope to find one!

Brainstorming

There was also an incredibly talented dancer in the production, someone who is so expressive and present on stage. I noticed already from the beginning how intelligent and capable he was, but somewhere in the middle of the process we hit a bit of a wall. The choreographers had the vision of a certain kind of movement quality that he struggled to replicate. My first impulse was to try to force it out of him, to bombard him with information and try to show him how I would do it. It didn't occur to me to consider that he had a totally different background and understanding of his body than I did. It led to him doubting himself and his abilities, which was the opposite of what I hoped to acheive. 

Deep down, I knew that it was history repeating itself. I was treated in the same way often in my career, and when I couldn't fulfill the desires of the choreographer straight away, it filled me with so mucht doubt and I felt blocked. I felt like a failure.

 I have no intention of coddling anyone or sugar-coating things, and honesty is something I truly value, so what could I do in this situation? Maybe the first step is to break out of this habit of 'correcting', and to try to understand the other person's point of view. Once this is established, it might be then possible to push people past their limits. The dancer and I had a chat, which allowed me to get to know him a bit better and to find out that he was the kind of person who would over-analyse everything! He just needed the time to do that for himself, and by the time he was on stage he was stunning! Perhaps less really is more.  

I was lucky that I got to work with a very communicative team. We could discuss things openly and honestly, and I think that really added to the success of the production. Each one took responsibility for his or her part. but we supported each other at the same time. I know that this kind of dynamic doesn't exist everywhere, so I'm glad that this was my first experience. 

I've learned that productivity isn't always about producing, but about riding the wave of motivation when it arrives. If there is a goal and/or  deadline, the motivation will come. It's okay to have slower days, dips in energy and creativity. It's all part of the process, and it's important to be patient and trust that the right answers already exist somewhere in the quantum universe. It also made me think about all the times people were stressed about not having enough time to finish a piece. Recently, I discovered Parkinson's Law which is the notion that "work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion".

Landungsbrücken Frankfurt

I know that I will constantly have to confront my own ego in this position. For example, if I would make a suggestion and it isn't recieved in the most enthusiastic manner. It was important for me to learn that this isn't personal, and I can't expect every person to think and see things the way that I do. They all have their own ideas and visions and egos, and it takes a good team to put those aside and practice open-mindedness. It's also possible to support something, even if you don't agree with it or understand it at first. What makes a good assistant is someone who can trust in the creative vision of a choreographer whatever your personal opinion on it is. Don't expect people to do things the way that you would. Each person has his own experiences and ways of thinking. Don't automatically assume that yours is the only or the right way. Of course, this is easier said than done.

Most of all, I learned that I still have a long way to go. There is so much to learn and so many questions to find answers to. That being said, I am definitely ready for it.