Many inspiring people have crossed my path in this life so far. One of these people is a lovely soul, a kindred spirit, when I was starting my professional dance training at the Western Australian Academy of Performing Arts.
As a first-year student, I used to watch her in class and be awed at her flawless technique, her unwavering work ethic, and her unrelenting desire to learn and improve. We didn't have much to do with each other back then, but she continued to be an inspiration to me throughout my training. It was only after I had graduated myself that we met again in Europe and our friendship began to flourish. I’m talking about my lovely friend, Lauren Murray.
In spite of her talent and passion, Lauren hasn’t always had it easy in her career, but she always maintained her fierce determination and kept pushing through to achieve her goals no matter what. On top of that, she is always kind, generous and understanding. How does she do it? How does someone stay so focused and positive in spite of life's challenges?
It only made sense as a follow up interview to my previous post that I would talk to her about it. Here are some snippets of our conversation:
Me: What is resilience? Do you think you are a resilient person?
Lauren: Resilience is going through some of the toughest things in life, and being able to continue to move forwards, having the passion and desire to keep going, even when life throws things at you that you don't expect. Resilience is an essential part of a dance career, so I'm glad you're asking these questions.
It's a concept that I think about a lot, especially in regards to children and young dancers. As soon as I turned 30, I noticed how younger dancers in the company were behaving and was surprised how unresilient they were. I found it strange that they lacked the grit and passion that I still had even though I was 10 years older. Some of them were fine, but there were others who would get injured very quickly and give up when things got a bit tough and didn't seem to have the mental capacity to push through.
I'm back in Australia, teaching a lot at the moment. My classes can be quite challenging, starting with an hour of Gyrokinesis followed by a full ballet class. Quite a few of the students tend to lack the stamina and determination to get through this work, and I find myself thinking, if they can't get through 3 hours of class, how will they endure 6 to 7 hours in the studio as a professional? You don't build fight and resilience if things are too easy. You have to push through physical and mental challenges.
I had a wonderful teacher in first year, Justin Rutzou, who said to us that if you want to be a dancer, you wouldn't earn a lot of money, you won't always be happy, you might not even be successful, but if you have the passion and you love it, it's worth the journey. You have to know that it's something worth fighting for, and this is something that I now pass on to my own students.
People see me as this hardcore resilient person because I don't give up and I keep going no matter what. However, I never really see myself as that. I am just so focused on my goals, so it doesn't matter what stands in my way. Passion has definitely helped me to get over the hurdle. There were so many times that I could have given up. So. Many. Times. But I knew that noone could achieve these things but me. Even if you have the best guidance, or if you're lucky enough to have everything thrown in your lap, your development is up to you. That's your responsibility.
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| Photo: (c) Gert Weigelt |
I know that you didn't always have it easy. What was one of your biggest challenges, and how did you overcome it?
When I graduated from WAAPA, there weren't many interesting possibilities for me in Perth, so I decided to move over to Europe which was my dream, but I had no idea what to expect. One of the hardest things in, I suppose, any career is to gain the experience all the companies want. So I had to take what I could get, which ended up being a bit of a disaster.
I had auditioned for a small touring company in the UK. The conditions were dreadful, we weren't even being paid for it and were basically being exploited as young dancers. There were times we were just dropped off in the middle of London at 2am and had to find our way home alone. I had never quit anything before, so I tried to do my best. Then one time I got an invitation to go to an audition. I spoke to the director, but he refused to let me go.
I must have been pretty desperate because there I was, at 19 years of age, somewhere in the middle of nowhere in Wales, climbing out of a hotel window and running to the closest train station. The director left a rather nasty message on my phone threatening to ruin my career. It was at that point that I knew that this was not healthy for me. My confidence was broken. I knew that if I wanted to get into a better company, I had to improve. I had to raise my standards.
So I left Europe, came back to Australia, and concentrated on getting into top physical and mental shape. I participated in a national ballet competition, and managed to win second or third place (I don't remember now), and one of the prizes were some classes at the Terri Charlesworth Ballet School. They ended up giving me a full scholarship for a year, and that's where I rebuilt the confidence I had lost in London. It was through this experience that I realised how much I still had to learn.
One of the best things from this year was how much performance experience I was gaining. We had performances everywhere, probably more than I did in one season in a professional company. Then I also had my first paid jobs with a circus company, Skadada, as well as with the West Australian Ballet. I was slowly but surely getting the experience I needed. In just under a year I was ready to go back to Europe, where I had earnt an apprentice position with one of the best ballet companies in Germany, the Semperoper Ballett in Dresden. It was a dream come true, and my determination was showing results!
You must have been proud of yourself! How was the experience there?
I think this was really the beginning of my challenges. I put a lot of pressure on myself while I was there, and worked so hard because we all knew that not everyone would get a position in the main company. It was inspiring to be surrounded by all these amazing artists, I knew that was where my bar was set.
I remember once having to jump into Bayadére for a girl who got sick. Those 51 arabesques in Shades, I was freaking out! Noone noticed because I think they were so used to me jumping into every position in the corps de ballet. Even the ballet master didn't realise until he saw me on stage. I was really nervous, and I remember opening my arms one whole count early, and though it sounds trivial, I can't help but wonder if that was the reason I didn't get a full contract. Unfortunately my height was also a disadvantage, so I can imagine there were also other reasons.
I know that the director really appreciated my hard work, and I am really proud of getting through the year and I knew deep inside that I had really made the best of it. I had learned so much from this experience and life is all about learning.
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| In Dornröschen by Jörg Mannes. Photo: (c) Gert Weigelt |
Do you think that some people are born more resilient than others?
That's an interesting one. I think we all just have very different journeys. I knew a dancer who just seemed to be very 'lucky'. She never had to work hard and things just came easily to her. But I noticed she was never satisfied, and kept jumping from job to job.
As a young dancer I used to get annoyed at the dancers who just coasted along. Only later, when I understood them better and got to hear their stories, I learned that everyone learns resilience in their own way and their own time. Some of us just need a lot more, because of our circumstances.
Is it something that can be taught?
Yes, but not in a theoretical way. My parents, for example, weren't sure about a dance career for me. Is it a career? (laughs) They wanted me to focus on school, even though I never felt like I fit in there. All I wanted to do was dance! Still, everyone has to go through it and my parents pushed me to give 100% at everything I did, and that was the beginning of my resilience training.
When we were living in Zimbabwe, my dad said that I had to stay in the higher stream at school, otherwise I couldn't do ballet and gymnastics so I had to work hard in order to do the things that I loved to do. Then we moved from Africa to Australia, I started doing some after school classes at WAAPA and some of the teachers asked me if I would like to audition for the diploma program. They must have seen something in me, or probably noticed how passionate I was because I got accepted. My parents allowed me to do it as long as I also finished my Year 12. That was hard, and I was very stressed out that year, but I'm so thankful that my parents pushed me to do this. They were teaching me resilience.
I feel that kids have it a lot easier nowadays, and maybe that's why they give up so quickly. We had to find a way to balance both school and dance and the skills that you learn through it support what you really want to do.
I've always known you to be an extremely determined person. Do you think there's a limit? When do you know it's time to give up?
I think there are moments in life when you have to make important decisions, like with my first experience in London. I could have stayed and continued to just deal with it, but I knew it wasn't good for me. I couldn't think of a good enough reason to keep running into that brick wall. We will all be faced with this wall at some point in our lives and should be honest enough to ourselves to realise we are standing in front of it. A good friend of mine always said to me you just have to find the right key to the right door. Realise that somewhere along that wall is a door, and it might not be in front of you, and you have to be stuck for a while until you find the key. You just have to have the patience to keep walking along the wall.
Giving up shouldn't be an option, at least it never was for me. Even if I couldn't do things perfectly in the beginning, I would practice and practice until I could. Think 32 fouettés and entrechat six. Even if you fall the first 100 times, it's okay. Ask yourself what's not working, why am I not moving forward? It's in the dark moments, when you feel stuck. That's the best time to self-reflect. In life, as well as in fouettés. There is always a solution, and sometimes that solution is to find another door.
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| Photo: (c) Michele Seydoux |
We live in a fast-paced world. We want everything to be instant, and to be perfect as quickly as possible. What role does patience have to play in building resilience?
A dancer's career is quick, it's over almost as soon as it begins, but the amount of patience you need on a day to day basis is so important, whether you're dealing with colleagues, directors or even with yourself. Patience that your turn will come, and that opportunities will come your way.
There are so many things that are out of our control, and sometimes the universe has other plans for us. What you can control is how you do the work, and how you push yourself day after day this is how you respond to these situations. You continue to show up in life, be present, but let go of the things you can't control. That's how you invest in becoming a real artist.
The seasons in a company can be long, you need the patience to get through long hours for months on end, and not that many opportunities to perform. Those beautiful moments that open up your soul, where you feel the most alive are few and far between. People think we dance amazing things all the time, but they forget it's a lot of work and a lot of patience! But we need to go through these things, we need to have the grit, passion and determination along with patience. Think about the development of a ballet class; you can't go straight into grand allegro from pliés.
In my career, I was almost always the jump-in girl. Which was great in one sense, but a bit frustrating. In some companies the second cast are not given the same rehearsal time, and it places a great deal of pressure with the dancer expected to rehearse in their own time. One of my previous directors said to me, "The problem with you is that you can do everything, so you are a great second cast!"
Flattering, but not!
Still, I had the patience that my chance would come, and it did. I got to dance a big role in the first cast at the end of my time in Hannover, and I still get goosebumps when I think of that moment when I took my bow and felt the appreciation from the 1200 people in the audience. I will always be grateful for that.
Gratitude. What about gratitude?
You know, I am so grateful for having a dance career. When I was about 14 or 15, one teacher said that I would probably never make it into a professional school let alone a company. I proved her wrong, and I can already be grateful for that. There is something that you can only experience as a dancer. You are not left with much after a dance career, apart from this feeling of fulfillment which I can't describe in words.
I grew up in an African country, and back then I would never have dreamed of doing what I do now. I remember watching Capetown City Ballet as a child, and thought how incredible they were. I could never have imagined myself ever doing that. I sometimes have to pinch myself when I realise I'm living my dream, and that some little girl might be thinking of me in the same way that I did all those years ago.
In hindsight, I am even grateful for all those difficult times. I read this book, The Untethered Soul, which made me ask myself, what would I change about my life? What would I change about what I'm doing right now? And the answer is nothing, I am exactly where I am meant to be.
You've always been an inspiration to me, and from my own experience I know that noone can do this alone. Do we need a support system to build resilience?
Yes, but it has to be a truthful one. When I first started, my mother was my biggest supporter. She truly believed in me, but she wasn't the person who would tell me I was fabulous all the time. Her feedback was honest, which is so valuable because it keeps you grounded. A true support system is based around honesty, because even if the truth hurts, you know that the praise is also genuine.
You can't develop if you're blocking yourself and it's possible to be blinded by your own goals and sense of self, it can easily turn into self sabotage instead of self care. Dancers are like that, we're very goal-oriented people and you need someone to tell you when to stop. My sister was an Olympic gymnast so she went through a similar experience, and I remember my mum would say when we were having a bad day, that tomorrow would be better. In Africa we say that the sun will come out tomorrow, otherwise you're dead.
My support system now would be my partner, Alex. I know I can be such a perfectionist, and he often tells me that I can chill out a bit and that I don't need to be perfect. You need someone to level you out, and give you a different perspective, as long as it comes from a place of honesty and love.
What is some advice you would give your younger self?
Have more patience. Life will offer you opportunities you will never have thought possible, and they will come to you in the most unique and unusual ways. Don't expect them to come when you expect them. Love yourself. Believe in yourself and trust in yourself a lot more.
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| Photo: (c) Lilit Hakobyan |
Lauren Murray was born in Harare Zimbabwe and moved to Perth Australia with her family in 2002. She graduated from WAAPA with the Finlay and the Dame Peggy Van Pragh Awards. She has worked with John Burtt’s circus company Skadada, the Dresden Semperoper Ballett, the West Australian Ballet and from 2012-2019 as a soloist with the Staatsballett Hannover under the direction of Jörg Mannes, and has danced in pieces by George Balanchine, John Neumeier, John Cranko, David Dawson, Aaron Watkin, Jörg Mannes, Mario Schröder, Georg Reichl and Nils Christie. She is also a dance teacher and a Gyrotonics and Gyrokinesis trainer.
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