"If your heart is broken, make art with the pieces." - Shane Koyczan
I was meant to give an online lecture this month to the students of a private dance school on developing resilience for a dance career. It doesn't look like this is happening anymore, but I thought it would be a good topic for a blog post.
On the reality TV show RuPaul's Drag Race, usually in the second last episode, RuPaul would ask the semi-finalists what they would say to their younger selves. I hate to admit it, but this part always made me wipe away a tear or two. It also made me proud to be able to call myself an artist and to be part of this wonderful industry.
I took this as inspiration for this post, instead of a factual essay on what resilience is and how to get more of it. I will put a few links to some great TED talks at the end, in case you're interested. Here is something I wish someone had written to me before I left for my first European audition tour in 2008, but in a way I'm glad that I had to learn these lessons on my own to truly experience and grow from them. I'm not even sure if my younger self would understand it.
Here goes:
Dear younger Keith,
First of all, look how far you've come already. The hard work you have put in to develop your skills will pay off, but the learning doesn't stop there. There are many challenges ahead, and you will find yourself feeling broken at some time or another, but what's more important is how you get out of it. You can only learn to develop strength and resilience by dealing with difficult times, and these challenges will only make the joyful moments seem even more radiant.
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| First audition tour. I still have that hat. (Schaffhausen, 2008) |
My first bit of advice to you is to go towards the fear. If you're feeling scared or nervous, it is a sign that you must do it! For example, if you think that you don't even have an inkling of a chance at an audition, put on that brave face, along with your ballet shoes, and walk straight into that studio. Don't mind the intimidating, experienced dancers with perfect bodies. They are every bit as insecure as you are! Each time you get cut in the first round, which will unfortunately be 95% of your auditions (sorry!), it will only feel like failure in that moment. What's really happening under the surface is that you are getting stronger and learning how to let things go. It will be difficult at first, but each rejection is a gift of resilience.
Imagine if you got everything you wanted on a silver platter. You land your dream job at your first audition, or someone just offers it to you after watching a class or performance. Would you appreciate it as much? If you knew how hard you had to work to get something, then not only do you become stronger and more resilient, you also become more grateful. You will get your first job eventually, and trust me, it won't be your 'dream' job, (because those don't really exist), but you have a greater sense of gratitude and humility. When you are older, you will notice that this feeling of entitlement will be the cause of much suffering.
I'm sorry to say this, but you will sit all alone in a cold, dark hotel room in Bern and have a breakdown after getting cut at yet another audition. You will think you're probably the worst dancer in the world and that you will probably never ever make it. You will feel like this will last forever and will want to throw in the towel many times. You will not know how to keep going. You will feel depressed, broken and alone. This might sound a little strange, but try to embrace these moments of darkness, they are every bit as important as the times you feel elated and joyful. Hardship can be morosely beautiful. Crying is not a sign of weakness, rather an amazing natural instinct that helps us let go of negative emotions. So cry away, my dear.
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| Bern 2009 (I felt like one of those children about to be eaten) |
The lives of others may look effortless and lucky compared to your own. This is just your perspective, as all things are. It is all an illusion. In fact, they will look at your life on Facebook and think exactly the same thing about you. The only way you should compare yourself to others is with the intention of learning. There will be inspiring people who will be your role models in their way of thinking and working, their level of dedication, and just generally being a good human being. Compare your own values to them to work towards becoming someone better tomorrow. Keep your focus away from all the external things, the glossy posters, the big company names and choreographers; these are all illusions of happiness and success. Someone who is truly at peace with themselves, and genuinely happy, won't be focused on any of these things. You will feel it in their energy, and see it in how they treat other people.
Prepare yourself to fail, don't try to avoid it. Get comfortable with looking stupid and making mistakes, it's really the best way (if not the only way) to really learn. We worry so much about looking good, and being perfect all the time, but the hard truth is that noone is constantly thinking about you. Everyone has his own life and his own problems to deal with. Focus on bouncing back from the failure. Get back up. Push past the pain. In these moments you will discover life's important lessons.
It doesn't really matter what the situation is, what someone said or did, or even how you feel, what's important is how you look at it. As they say, the difference between a flower and a weed is perspective. There will always be tough times, irregardless of who we are. Much of life is out of our control, but we can always decide how we look at things and choose to either move forward in a positive way knowing that things will get better or we can choose to wallow in self-pity and curse life itself. We always have the choice, that's how powerful we are. We shouldn't undervalue this power.
(Click here to read my perspectives of the year 2009)
You already have a strong support system, so don't be afraid to use it. Noone gets anywhere without the help and the guidance of others and that's a fact. I'm not just talking about the close friends and family, even though they are the first ones you could turn to. If we really zoom out and look at the bigger picture, there are anonymous people supporting you at every moment, from growing and shipping and cooking the food you eat, to those who design and build planes, trains and railway lines for your transport, to those who share their knowledge through books, and even kind strangers who buy you a coffee because you look poor and miserable. Perhaps if you look at it this way, it will be easier to feel supported and connected to all humankind.
You might have a difficult relationship with religion right now, but one thing that you can take away from it is the teaching of faith. There are things we cannot see, but we must have faith that things will turn out okay, that you will get through the hard times, and that these hard times are making you a resilient person. Have faith that your hard work will pay off. Have faith that you are enough. Have faith that you are in the right place right at this moment. Have faith in the goodness of mankind. Nothing lasts forever, neither the good nor the bad. The only constant is change.
You are going to be fine.
Be kind.
Oh, and stop eating animals.
Love,
Your future self
My favourite TED Talks on Resilience:
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